"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
A fellow was riding his expensive mountain bike when his chain broke. A man came along in a Mercedes Benz, and hearing about the problem, offered to hook the bike to the back bumper of his car and pull him to the next town. He told the biker that if he should get going too fast, "just honk on that horn on your handle bars." They pulled out and everything was going just fine until another Mercedes pulled up alongside of the first one and challenged him to a race. The two cars sped along faster and faster. A policeman sitting behind a tree clocked them at a very high speed. He radioed headquarters and said, "I don't think I believe what I just saw. Two Mercedes just went by going about 120 miles per hour, and a guy on a 10-speed bike was following them, honking his horn, and trying to pass them!"
A little girl from a bus route was sitting with her small brother in church. He was restless and disturbing everybody around them with his continuous talking. She told him he was going to have to be quiet. "Who's going to make me?" he asked. She answered, "Those hushers back there in the back."
I was making announcements and reading prayer requests from the pulpit at the Wednesday night service at our church. As I read each note that had been handed to me, I said, "Pray for Mrs. Jones who is in the hospital, and for Mr. Smith who will have surgery tomorrow, and pray for Miss Green Dotson, her lights are on in the parking lot."
A Jewish pilot and a Chinese co-pilot were flying a jumbo jet across the ocean. About an hour into the trip the Chinese said to the Jewish pilot, "I don't like you." "Why not?" the Jew asked. "Because you Jews sank the Titanic." "No, no, that was an iceberg," he told the Chinese friend. "Oh well, Goldberg, Steinberg, Spielberg, iceberg--no difference, all the same." After another hour, the Jew said to the Chinese, "I don't like you." "Why not?" asked the Chinese. Because you people bombed Pearl Harbor." "Oh, no, that was the Japanese," said the Chinese. "Oh well, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese--all the same, what the difference?" declared the Jew.
The Preacher Needed A Choir
A preacher came to town, set up a tent, and planned to have a revival meeting. He felt if he could get a choir, it would help get the meeting off to a good start. Walking down the street praying about a choir, he heard beautiful singing coming from a big building. It sounded like a choir, so he went into the building to check it out. A man asked, "Can I help you?" "Yes," answered the preacher. "I need a choir and I thought I heard the sound of a choir coming from this building." "We do have a choir," said the man, "but, do you know where you are? This is the crazy house. You are in the asylum. Are you sure you want our choir?" asked the man. "Maybe you better take a look at them," he said. They stepped into a room where a big group of people were singing beautifully. Each one had an apple in the left hand, and a stick in their right hand. They were tapping the apple with the stick to the beat of the music. "What's that all about?" the preacher asked. "Haven't you ever heard of the Moron Tap an Apple Choir?" he asked.
Christians Have More Fun Than This
A drunk man walked into a bar on Saturday night, picked up some darts, and began to throw them at the dart board. He hit the bull's-eye, dead center all three times. He then staggered over to the bar and asked the bartender with slurred voice, "Where's my prize?" The bartender, not wanting to start an argument with a drunk man, looked around the bar and remembered that he had a turtle in a box. Someone had given it to him for his children. He handed the drunk the turtle. He mumbled, "Thank you," and walked out. Next Saturday he was back again. He hit the bull's-eye three times in a row and staggered over to the bar and asked again, "Where's my prize?" "Let's see, What did I give you last week?" the bartender asked. "You gave me a corn beef sandwich on a hard roll," answered the drunk.
Only in Tennessee
An old man in East Tennessee was sitting on his porch when a state road truck pulled up in front of his house. He watched as a man got out of the truck, dug a hole, then got back in the truck and sat down. A second man then got out, filled up the hole, and got back in the truck. They moved down the road about 50 yards and did the same thing again. They did this seven times. Curiosity got the best of the Tennessean. He came down off the porch, walked down to where the men were digging another hole and asked, "Fellows, I don't want to be meddling in your business, but would you mind telling me what you're doing?" "We're planting trees," said one of the men, "but the man who puts the tree in the ground is sick today."
Straighten Up And Live
A woman came into a doctor's waiting room all bent over like a horseshoe, walking with a short cane. Everybody felt so sorry for her. She came out shortly, standing up straight, smiling, and walking erect. The next patient to go in, asked the doctor, "Doc, we saw that old lady go in there all bent over, and we saw her come out again straightened up, What did you do to her?" He answered, "Oh, I just gave her a longer cane."
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