"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke. To get some humor out of life. And pass it on to other folk.
Shoes in Kentucky
A preacher friend of mine tells of seeing a boy walking along the road in Kentucky with only one shoe. He asked the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?" "No". the boy answered, " I found one."
A milk truck broke down along the road in east Tennessee. While the truck driver was waiting for help to come, a country fellow came along, saw the truck, got a couple of milk bottles off the truck, ran up on the hillside and picked a bunch of daisies. He putthe daisies in the milk bottles, ran back and put one in front of the truck and one behind the it. When the driver asked what he was doing, he answered, "It's the law, man, when you break down along the road, to keep somebody from running into you, you're supposed to put out "flares."
A young man from our small town wandered into the lobby at Opryland Hotel. He saw a bunch of young executives talking on their cell phones and using their laptops. Not to appear out of place, he put his thumb in his ear, placed his little finger to his mouth and pretended to be talking on the phone. A young woman asked what he was doing, he glanced around the room, cautiously, then whispered, "I'm CIA. I have a micro chip under my fingernail and I am talking to my office." Later when he came out of the rest room, he didn't realize that four or five feet of toilet paper was trailing behind him. The same young woman asked, "What's that paper trail?" He looked behind himself, and quickly answered, "Oh, I'm rreceiving a fax."
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "How old would be if you let go?"
Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new employee replied. "Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Support a Family
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
First Time in Church
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with the water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commcandments," answered the lady.
Someone has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, You'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A college professor was trying to impress upon his students the importance of doing right at all times. "Bad Habits," he inquired, "What is it that we find so easy to get into and so hard to get out of?" The reply shouted unanimously was, "Bed!"
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: Energy efficient vehicle - Runs on oats and grass. Caution - Do not step in exhaust.
History or Folklore?
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally, the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a threshold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth. ... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !